On Relational Perception and "Twoness"
— Very grateful to the wisdom of my teachers, Catherine McGee and Yahel Avigur, shared in the “Foundations of a Soulmaking Dharma” course offered by the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies, autumn 2024
Relationality, the way we come into connection with others and the world around us, is a fundamental aspect of human experience. It manifests not merely as external interaction between separate entities, but as an internal, often imperceptible, movement that shapes how we perceive, feel, and respond to life.
At the core of relationality is the act of perceiving—how we look, how we engage, and how we allow ourselves to be touched by the other. Our "way of looking," as we might call it, has the power to either enhance or diminish the depth of our relational experience. A distanced, static gaze—one that places the other in a frozen frame—limits not only the other’s vibrancy but also our capacity for soulful interaction. In contrast, a dynamic, intimate way of looking opens up the possibility for a living, evolving relationship where both self and other are in constant, mutual transformation.
The act of seeing relationally is not passive but active; a poised engagement that requires emotional and energetic sensitivity. As beings of feeling and energy, our emotional states can either constrict or expand our capacity to engage relationally. Too often, we find ourselves at one extreme or the other—either flat, unresponsive or overwhelmed, trapped in the vortex of tangled emotions. To move towards soulful perception, we must develop a range of emotional sensitivity, learning to attune to our feelings without becoming consumed by them. This allows us to hold space for both ourselves and the other, creating a dynamic that nurtures soulful connection.
At the heart of relationality lies what we might call "twoness"—the essential differentiation between self and other that creates a fertile tension between autonomy and connection. It is learning to engage with the Other without merging or collapsing into them, without needing to dominate or withdraw. Healthy twoness means being open to the other's influence while retaining our integrity. This is not just about personal relationships; it extends to the way we engage with the world at large, including the way we perceive art, nature, and ideas. When we allow both the self and the Other to remain intact, we open up a space where something new can come into being—a shared creative space that honours the presence and particularities of each.
The concept of twoness is essential for what we might call "soulmaking." Soulmaking is a process that depends on this relational tension, on the meeting of two differentiated entities. It is through this meeting—this relational poise—that something sacred can emerge, something deeply personal yet simultaneously universal. This kind of sacredness is not about dissolving the self into an abstract oneness; rather, it is about recognising the divine in the particularities of the other. The Image, the person, the object before us, becomes beloved, not despite their otherness, but because of it.
There is often an assumption, particularly in spiritual discourse, that intimacy requires the dissolution of boundaries, that the highest form of connection is one in which self and other merge into an indistinguishable oneness. However, this view overlooks the richness of holding the tension of twoness. These moments are profound and transformative, but they are not the only way to experience sacredness. Twoness, with its inherent differentiation, offers a different kind of sacredness—one that is deeply personal, deeply relational, and deeply rooted in the particulars of our lives.
In the practice of soulmaking, we relax into the relationship that holds us together, finding a resting place not in either the self or the other, but in the space between. We learn to see not just with our eyes, but with our hearts, emotions, and energies. We become more receptive to the beauty and sacredness that arise when self and Other meet in the creative space of twoness.
This space is where creation and discovery happen simultaneously, where we are both the makers and the finders of meaning.